"Why didn't anyone tell me?" Samantha Alice Leigh on Losing Herself to Motherhood, Twice

She couldn't celebrate either of her pregnancies. Twice, hyperemesis gravidarum took her identity apart before she'd even met the person it was building.

Samantha Alice grew up in Oldham in the UK, the eldest of three, then spent over a decade building a life in Australia with her partner Paul, and is now back in the UK figuring out, like so many of us, who she is on the other side of the things that happened to her. This is her story, in her own words.

The Girl Who Dimmed Her Own Light

Sam describes her school years as a kind of survival instinct. Big school, strong personalities, and a decision - conscious or not - to make herself smaller rather than stand out.

"I feel like at school I really kind of dimmed my light a little bit just to fit in."

It wasn't until college, and later university, surrounded by people who challenged her rather than just accepted her, that she started to find her way back to herself - a pattern that would repeat, in much higher stakes, over the next two decades.

Overqualified, Underestimated, Undeterred

After years working toward a career in radio, Sam made it through four rounds of interviews for a role she wanted badly - and was turned down at the final hurdle.

"Look, Sam, we just think you're overqualified for this role and we can't offer it you."

Four weeks later, she and Paul were boarding a place with one-way flights to Bangkok. No real plan, just a decision made in minutes - the same instinct that would later see her take a job interview by Skype from a motel room in the Australian outback, curtains closed, without asking the salary until after she'd said yes.

"It Wasn't About People. It Was About Numbers."

Two years into a job she loved in Melbourne, Sam and Paul were on holiday in Thailand when the redundancy emails arrived - the company hadn't been able to reach them any other way.

"It wasn't even about people or roles. It was about numbers - cost per head."

It wasn't her choice. What came next was: rather than chase another corporate role that wasn't right for her, Sam went freelance and then went on to build her own online store from nothing, pouring years of extra time and money into something that was entirely hers.

Nine Months of Being Too Sick to Celebrate

When Sam and Paul decided to start a family, Sam developed hyperemesis gravidarum - a severe pregnancy sickness far beyond typical morning sickness. Round-the-clock nausea and vomiting, unable to eat, unable to leave her bed for months at a time.

"I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't have any enemies - just to make that point."

She didn't announce either of her pregnancies until she was 20 weeks along.

"If I can't celebrate it, I don't want anyone else to."

"Why Didn't No One Tell Me?"

Her first baby, Freddie, was born in Australia, far from family, the first in her friendship group to become a mum. Once the initial fog of new motherhood lifted, what was left was isolation.

"I was probably the loneliest I've ever felt."

The second time round - pregnant again within weeks of moving back to the UK, resigning from a new job days after accepting it, living with seven adults under one roof - the sickness came back worse, and this time it hit her mentally as much as physically. But something had shifted. She didn't want to disappear into it the way she had the first time.

"I just wanted to scream it from the rooftops - why didn't anyone tell me?"

That question became the reason she started talking publicly. Motherhood Diaries, her Instagram page, exists because Sam decided that if no one had warned her, she was going to warn someone else.

"We're all just doing our best. Like, literally, we're doing our best."

What Samantha Alice Leigh's Story Teaches Us

• Identity can be stripped back by things you never chose - a rejection, a redundancy, an illness.
• What you do next is where your real agency sits, even when the event itself wasn't in your control.
• Community with people in the same season of life isn't a nice-to-have when you're isolated - it's often the thing that gets you through.
• "Quality over quantity" applies to more than content - it's a philosophy about refusing to perform a version of yourself you don't recognise.
• Time, and the timelines we put on ourselves, are more of a construct than we tend to admit.

A Final Thought

If you've ever been too sick to celebrate the thing you wanted most.

If you've ever moved somewhere new and had to build a version of yourself from scratch, more than once.

If you've ever wondered, in the middle of early motherhood, why no one warned you it could feel like this.

Then this episode, and Sam's story, is for you.

Listen to the Sam's Full Episode

Find Samantha Alice:
Instagram (Motherhood Diaries): @_samanthaalice
LinkedIn: Samantha Alice Leigh

Not lost, not arrived, just not there yet.